Farmer John and Farmer Bob were neighbors. For more than 30 years, they were good friends.

Then their friendship broke. It began with a small thing, then bitter（仇恨的）words, and then weeks of silence. One morning John woke up to find a stream between the two farms. “It must be Bob,” John thought.

Then one day there was a knock on John’s door. He opened it to find a carpenter（木匠） standing at the doorway.

“I’m looking for a few days’ work,” the carpenter said.

“I do have a job for you,” John said. “Look at that farm across the stream. That’s my neighbor Bob. He dug a stream between the two farms. I want you to build a fence（栅栏）—an 8-foot fence. I don’t want to see his place or his face any more. I don’t have such a neighbor!”

The carpenter said, “I think I know what to do, sir, and I’ll be able to do a job that makes you happy.”

Farmer John helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.

About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer’s eyes opened wide. There was no fence there at all! It was a bridge! And the neighbor, Bob, was coming across it, with his hand outstretched（伸出）. “Hi, John! You’re quite a good fellow to build this bridge!”

Then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hands. “I’m terribly sorry for what I have said and done. We should be good to each other,” said Bob.

Then they turned to see the carpenter. He was ready to go. “No, wait! Stay a few days. I have a lot of other jobs for you,” said John. “I’d love to stay,” the carpenter said, “but I have more bridges to build. ”

It’s certainly good to be nice. Whether it’s helping a friend with homework, watching their favorite shows even if they’re not your thing or giving up a little time and energy to do something for a friend is a praiseworthy decision. Or, one might be the bigger person and agree to take the short end of the stick in an argument, all to satisfy others and avoid further problems. Still, we need to control our niceness: niceness is valuable, but it’s definitely not without downsides.

To be clear. I’m not advocating（倡导）for selfishness. In fact, I’d encourage everyone to do small favors for the people they care about. Helping others makes us happy. It also gives us a greater sense of purpose and belonging, as we feel more connected to those we do favors for. The same goes for sacrificing （牺牲）a little on our part to end a disagreement, which might feel uncomfortable in the short term, but is in the end for the greater good.

Yet, we need to be careful about where our niceness comes from. When our desire（渴望）to help others comes from a need to be seen as a good or friendly person, our motivations （动机）become increasingly dangerous. For example, we might want others to relate to us, so we say that we like their favorite songs when we don’t. Being agreeable all the time makes us become a product of the people around us instead of having our own special personality.

Additionally, avoiding unreasonable agreeability is even more important. We can’t help offering to do too many favors because our desire to be seen as selfless and kind outweighs our worries for our own well-being. If you always support others emotionally, or help them with their studies, that habit might become part of how you view yourself. In other words, you see yourself as someone willing to lend a hand to others when they are in need.

Agreeability crosses the experiences of all kinds of people, and it can be especially true within communities where selflessness is important. From my experience at Harvey Mudd College, students are known for caring for others-offering to help their classmates with their studies. This common view of people’s willingness to help can put stress on Mudders to sacrifice their energy, even if they don’t have the skills to do so. Instead, they should remind themselves of their responsibilities, and then decide if they have the ability to lend a hand.

Finally, making kindness a habit is an honorable goal. But as with all things, moderation（适度）is key, and sometimes, sacrificing a little too much can cause more harm than good.

Awe is the feeling of amazement and respect mixed with surprise. Research shows that awe experiences decrease stress and anxiety and increase positive (积极的) emotions and overall satisfaction in life. It can also improve our relationships, making us more likely to help others and more supported.

Most of us connect awe with something unusual and beautiful: nature, music or a spiritual experience. But ordinary people can bring about awe too. Research shows we can be awed by our nearest and dearest—the people sitting next to us, or talking on the other end of the phone. Psychologists call this interpersonal awe.

Often, this interpersonal awe is how people respond (反应) to life’s big changes, like seeing a baby’s first steps or a friend fighting against cancer. Yet interpersonal awe happens in our everyday life, too. John Bargh, a psychologist, said he was “truly awe struck” by his then 5-year-old daughter while dining in a McDonald’s years ago. When she heard another child crying across the restaurant, she took the toy from her Happy Meal, walked over and handed it to him.

To increase your chances of feeling awed by people around you, Marianna Craziosi, an expert in positive psychology, suggests you direct your attention to people’s positive sides and catch them at their best. You may think your brother or friend is selfish; there may be a little truth to that, but it’s never the whole story. “Try to find examples of him helping others or doing something great. In other words, become a field scientist, like Jane Goodall,” Graziosi said.

To help you recognize and remember a special experience, say out loud “Wow, that was awesome!” when awe strikes you. Enjoy it in the moment and tell others about it. This will strengthen your positive emotions. And recall it or write about it later. Studies show awe can be drawn again simply by remembering an awe experience.

When you feel awed by people around you, thank them and let them know just how much their actions affect you. This makes the other person feel good and can give your relationship an improvement. And you’ll also have high levels of happiness and psychological well-being.

Awe could be anywhere. Perhaps awe, while an ordinary response to the extraordinary, is also an extraordinary response to the ordinary.