A Few Active Listening Guidelines

Listening is arguably the most important element of interpersonal communication. Our ability to listen well impacts the quality of all of our relationships, and not just at home with our family and friends—it can also affect our relationships and interactions on the job, as well as the effectiveness and quality of our work.

Listening is not something that comes naturally or easily for most of us. Instead, it is a skill that must be cultivated and practiced. Active listening means the difference between simply hearing, and listening with the intent to truly understand. 【小题1】

1. Give focused attention.

Try to minimize external (外部的) distractions. Turn down the noise, and put down or step away from what you’re doing if possible. 【小题2】 Don’t watch the clock, fidget (坐立不安) or go over your to-do list for later.

2. Maintain eye contact.

Direct eye contact shows your attention and intention to listen. 【小题3】 Be reasonable, but try not to let your eyes wander to whatever is going on around you.

3. 【小题4】

Restate, but don’t repeat word for word. Paraphrase what you think the other part is saying with responses such as: “What I’m hearing is…” or “Let me see if I’m following you…”Reflecting what you’ve heard signals that you’re attempting to understand fully.

4. Respond appropriately.

Be open and honest in your responses. Share your thoughts, insights and feelings in a clear, but respectful and considerate manner even if you disagree.

Active listening is a model for good communication. 【小题5】 It takes practice to develop active listening skills, and it’s a habit that has to be reinforced (加强). Remind yourself that the goal of conversation is not merely to trade words, but to truly understand what the other party is saying and to be understood in turn.

Listening has been critical to the career of Richard Mullender, who was a British police officer for 30 years. Eventually he became a hostage (人质) negotiator, dealing with everything from crisis interventions (调停) to international kidnaps. When he left the force in 2007, he realised that his skills might be applicable in the business world. So he set up a firm called the Listening Institute.

Many people think that good listening is about nodding your head or keeping eye contact. But that is not really listening, Mr Mullender argues. A good listener is always looking for facts, emotions and indications of the speaker’s values. And when it comes to a negotiation, people are looking for an outcome. The aim of listening is to find out what the other side is trying to achieve.

The mistake many people make is to ask too many questions, rather than letting the other person talk. The listener’s focus should be on analysis. If you are trying to persuade someone to do something, you need to know what their beliefs are. If someone is upset, you need to assess their emotional state. Of course, a listener needs to speak occasionally. One approach is to make an assessment of what the other person is telling you and then check it with them. That gives the other party a sense that they are being understood. The fundamental aim is to build up a relationship so the other person likes you and trusts you, Mr Mullender says.

The pandemic (瘟疫) has meant that most business conversations now take place on the phone or online. Some might think this makes listening more difficult; it is harder to pick up the cues that people reveal in their facial expressions and body language. But Mr Mullender says that too much is made of body language. It is much easier to understand someone if you can hear them but not see them, than if you can see but not hear them.

If you want to greatly improve your results in whatever goal you are trying to obtain, there is one thing you can do to make this happen. 【小题1】 By understanding this, you will see just why the method I am going to tell will work so well.

Normally when people set a goal, the excitement is high and the energy level is plentiful. 【小题2】 This is great, but what normally happens after a few weeks or months is that they start going into a passive state of mind. Basically, their intensity level drop sharply and they find themselves less passionate about obtaining their goals. So to greatly improve your results, you must increase your intensity.

【小题3】 If you’ve ever played a sport where you compote with your opponent, you will notice that often you can defeat a person with more skills than you by simply playing at a higher intensity level than they are playing.

I have experienced this myself many times playing various sports. For some reason, whenever I compete with someone who I know is better than me, my intensity level goes through the roof. 【小题4】 The odd thing is that even if they are more skilled than me, I sometimes find myself being able to beat them or at least come very close. In contrast, when I compete with someone who I know I can beat, my intensity level is usually a lot lower.

【小题5】 If you want to greatly improve your results in achieving your goals, you need to increase your intensity, and the way you do that is by seeing yourself as the underdog. When you run after your goals with that kind of intensity compared to going at it in a passive manner, you will greatly increase your odds of obtaining your goals.