How to Handle an Argument with Your Family Members

We’ve all been there. A relaxed evening with our family members. A lot of laughing. And then, as if someone had sat on the TV remote and changed the channel, the mood shifts. No more warmth. Suddenly there’s shouting, a ping-pong of accusations(指责), deadly stares, and hostility(敌意) streaming from eyes like red laser pointers. Having a conflict with your family members is frustrating, and you may feel sad and depressed. 【小题1】

Do remember that as much as it might feel this way, you’re not in a court of law with your family members. 【小题2】 .It is to restore kindness and connection. Think of it this way —if somebody wins, both parties lose.

Do try to be an advocate of others’ feelings. 【小题3】 try to stand in the shoes of your family members. Try to understand their immature ways.

【小题4】 .This might frighten your family members, making them feel accused and in turn, act defensively. Example: “I was on the phone with my sister and then suddenly you started acting like crazy out of the blue.” Talk about the way you felt instead. Example: “I was on the phone with my sister and then I suddenly felt scared when I saw you looking at me like I was in trouble.”

Don’t try to explain yourself. You often want to explain yourself when having conflicts with your family members, but you don’t have time. You’re being cut off and attacked again. 【小题5】 .The more you talk, the less your family members seem to understand and the further away you get from an agreement.

As years went by, I realized that one of the biggest problems of adults was worry. A large majority of my students were businessmen, executives, salesmen, engineers, accountants: a cross section of all the trades and professions and most of them had problems! There were women in the classes business women and housewives. They too had problems. Clearly, what I needed was a textbook on how to conquer worry. So again, I tried to find one.

I went to the New York great public library at Fifth Avenue and 42nd Street and discovered to my astonishment that this library had only twenty-two books listed under the title WORRY. I also noticed, to my amusement, that it had one hundred and eighty-nine books listed under WORMS. Almost nine times as many books about worms as about worry! Surprising, isn't it? Since worry is one of the biggest problems facing mankind, you would think, wouldn't you, that every high school and college in the land would give a course on “How to Stop Worrying”?

Yet, if there is even one course on that subject in any college in the land, I have never heard of it. No wonder David Seabury said in his book How to Worry Successfully: “We come to maturity with as little preparation for the pressures of experience as a bookworm asked to do a ballet.”

The result? More than half of our hospital beds are all occupied by people with nervous and emotional troubles.

I looked over those twenty-two books on worry on the shelves of the New York Public Library. In addition, I purchased all the books on worry I could find; yet I couldn't discover even one that I could use as a text in my course for adults. So I decided to write one by myself.

Between childhood and adulthood, you go through many changes — jobs, regrettable haircuts and relationships that come and go. But what about who you are at your core (核心)? 【小题1】

Personality is the pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviors unique to a person. People tend to think of personality as fixed. But according to psychologists (心理学家), that’s not how it works; personality doesn’t stay the same all your life. 【小题2】

That’s not to say that you’re a different person each day you wake up. 【小题3】 In a study, researchers followed some adults for many years until their early 70s. They discovered that adulthood’s personality is actually stable in short time periods.

【小题4】 They will look at how a child reacts to the world. Research suggests that our childhood’s moods — for example, whether we’re easy-going or bad-tempered, willing or unwilling to approach strangers — shape our personality of older ages. 【小题5】 If a child is always shy and withdrawn (离群的), he may grow into an unhappy teenager. On the contrary, a happy childhood usually leads to a happy adulthood.