Which of your children is your favorite? Your response is probably “none of them.” What kind of parent would choose one child as his or her favorite? The truth might be surprising to you.

Years of research supports what many have suspected-most parents have a favorite child. Studies have explored reasons from birth order to gender (性别) and shared interests. Yet even with years of research that supports this idea, most parents tend to deny the fact that they have a favorite child. Even if there is no obvious parental favorite among siblings (兄弟姐妹), studies have shown that children often feel preferential treatment of their sibling by their parents. Favoritism often results in family conflicts and feelings of sadness among family members whether parents’ favoritism is real or only felt. Thus both the kids and their parents tend to be plagued by the favoritism.

The question isn’t whether or not you have a favorite child, since it’s pretty clear that many parents do. Typically, favoritism has little to do with loving one child more. It is more about how your personality resonates (产生共鸣) with one child’s personality more than the others’. Essentially, it’s a question of “like”. Still, why is it so hard for us to admit that one of our children might be our favorite? Some parents might worry about harming their children emotionally or psychologically. Some parents confuse liking one child’s personality with the love they show to each child. However, when recognizing that you might hold preferential feelings towards one child you are taking an important step towards creating a better relationship with all of your children.

Instead of denying the fact, you can reflect on how you relate to each of your children. Examining your feelings towards each of your children can provide a greater insight into your own personality and how you function in relationships -- and in fact, how you consider your children might reflect more about your thoughts and feelings of yourself than them. Increased awareness about your inner world can help you build and keep healthier relationships with your children.

Kyle is my big brother. For eighteen years, I felt that Kyle was my enemy. In fact, I found it ridiculous that people thought older brothers looked out for their sisters, protected them and fought off their sisters，bullies. Huh? My brother was the bully (恃强凌弱者).

When we were little, his fights with others caused my only black eye, cuts in my lips and even a nosebleed or two. I often wished I were an only child!

Time flew. We ended up attending colleges two thousand miles apart, yet, strangely, that’s when we began communicating. Through e-mail, we kept in constant touch. Mostly I complained about serious homesickness, impossible roommates, difficult classes, and… dating. I felt I lost myself. At a particularly low time, I cried to Kyle about my injured confidence, my broken heart, and the particular jerk (蠢人) who broke it.

And that’s when the package arrived.

“What’s this?” I thought as I tore into it. The box revealed a sweatshirt. “Phi Delta Theta? That’s Kyle’s frat (兄弟会).” Kyle was the president of the frat house. Why would he send this? I put it aside and dug deeper. A pile of letters. And they were all addressed to me. I opened the one on top.

“Katrina,” it said, “your brother showed me your picture and I think you’re awesome and beautiful.” I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, sure.” I opened another letter. And another. Eighteen in all.

Each one was from a different guy. They complimented (恭维) me. They invited me on dates. And they tried to convince me to make a trip out to Knox College and meet them.

I loved it. I didn’t care about the motive. And mostly, I loved the idea that my big brother had pulled it off. I picked up the phone.

“Kyle, the box came and I can’t believe what you did.” But Kyle wasn’t accepting compliments. “Oh,” he said, “I was just tired of reading your complaints”. Big brothers, I decided, really did protect their sisters. And mine fought off the biggest bully I’d ever met. Now I return to my true self, full of confidence.

This is my son Matthew’s last night at home before college. I know that this is good news. I feel proud that Matthew will go to a great school. I know that this is the finest hour. But looking at the suitcases on his bed sends me out of the room to a hidden corner where I can’t stop crying.

Through the sorrow, I feel a rising embarrassment. “Pull yourself together!” I tell myself. There are parents sending their kids off to battle zones. How dare I feel so shocked and upset?

One of the great gifts of my life has been having my boys, Matthew and John Owen. Through them, I have explored the mysterious, complicated bond between fathers and sons. As my wife and I raised them, I have discovered the love and loss between my father and me. After my parents’ divorce, I spent weekends with my dad in Ohio. By the time Sunday came around, I was unable to enjoy the day’s activities because I was already afraid of the goodbye of the evening.

Now, standing among Matthew’s accumulation of possessions, I realize it’s me who has become a boy again. All my sadness and longing to hold on to things are back, sweeping over me as they did when I was a child.

His bed is tidy and spare. It already has the feel of a guest bed. In my mind I replay wrapping him in his favorite blanket. That was our nightly routine until one evening he said, “Daddy, I don’t think I need a blanket tonight.” I think of all the times we lay among the covers reading. I look at the bed and think of all the recent times I was annoyed at how late he was sleeping. I’ll never have to worry about that again, I realize.

For his part, Matthew has been a rock. He is treating his leaving as just another day at the office. And I’m glad. After all, someone’s got to be strong. I’m proud that he is charging into the first chapter of his adult life with such confidence.