In his 1936 work How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote: “I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it.” This distaste for arguments is common, but it depends on a mistaken view of arguments that causes problems for our personal and social lives — and in many ways misses the point of arguing in the first place.

Carnegie would be right if arguments were fights, which is how we often think of them. Like physical fights, verbal (言语的) fights can leave both sides bloodied. Even when you win, you end up no better off. You would be feeling almost as bad if arguments were even just competitions — like, say, tennis tournaments. Pairs of opponents hit the ball back and forth until one winner comes out from all who entered. Everybody else loses. This kind of thinking explains why so many people try to avoid arguments.

However, there are ways to win an argument every time. When you state your position, formulate (阐述) an argument for what you claim and honestly ask yourself whether your argument is any good. When you talk with someone who takes a stand, ask them to give you a reason for their view and spell out their argument fully. Assess its strength and weakness. Raise objections (异议) and listen carefully to their replies. This method will require effort, but practice will make you better at it.

These tools can help you win every argument — not in the unhelpful sense of beating your opponents but in the better sense of learning about what divides people, learning why they disagree with us and learning to talk and work together with them. If we readjust our view of arguments — from a verbal fight or tennis game to a reasoned exchange through which we all gain respect and understanding from each other — then we change the very nature of what it means to “win” an argument.

How to Be Less Emotional

Being overly emotional may mean reacting to feelings like anger, sadness and fear quickly instead of letting all of your intelligence weigh in. Chances are, if you feel overly emotional you are relating to your emotions in a way that isn't always constructive. 【小题1】

Identify emotions. It's important to know what you feel so you can adequately address each emotion appropriately. 【小题2】 If you feel anger, for instance, you may start to notice your breathing quickening, your muscles tensing, or your skin feeling flushed. If you're happy, you may notice smiling or feelings of lightness in your body.

【小题3】 They can help calm you down when you're experiencing overwhelming emotions. If you're feeling overwhelmed by emotional intensity, pause to focus on your breathing. Breathing techniques can help you manage your emotions more effectively and help you handle intense emotions better. You may notice that as you experience intense emotions, they bring you further from experiencing yourself and your body.

Monitor your expectations. Sometimes, the way you feel may be influenced by how you expect to feel. 【小题4】 If you notice yourself placing expectations on how you “should” feel, hold off on making that judgment until you've completed the situation. Or, you may consider which situations you want to enter into beforehand.

Adjust your routines to reduce stress. Think about what events trigger your strong emotions, and try to either avoid them or control your response. For instance, if you tend to get anxious because you often run late for work, adjust your morning routine so you are not rushing. 【小题5】

How to Stop Overthinking

You might convince yourself that thinking about something for a really long time is the key to developing the best solution. 【小题1】 In fact, the longer you think about something, the less time and energy you have to take productive action. Here are some tips to help stop overthinking.

Distract Yourself

Rather than sit and think about a problem for endless amounts of time, you can distract yourself for a bit. Your brain may find better ways to work out a solution in the background while you’re distracted with another task —like working in the garden. Or, you might “sleep on it” and discover that your brain solves the problem for you while you’re sleeping. A brief distraction can give you a break. 【小题2】

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Remind yourself that your thoughts are not facts. 【小题3】 When you find yourself overthinking, challenge these thoughts. Ask yourself if they are realistic. Consider alternative possibilities. It can be difficult at first, but learning to call out your own overthinking can help you learn to replace negative thoughts with more helpful ones.

Practice Self-acceptance

Overthinking often comes from worrying about your past mistakes or things that you cannot change. Instead of blaming yourself for things you might regret, try working toward being more accepting and show sympathy for yourself. 【小题4】 In addition, forgiving yourself for things you regret can also do good to your overall well-being.

Get Therapy

People often be caught unable to break from overthinking by themselves. 【小题5】 Over-thinking may be a symptom of a mental health issue, like depression or anxiety. A mental health professional may teach you skills that will help you stop focusing on things that aren’t helpful. They may also help you identify strategies that work for you, such as mindfulness or physical exercise.