The most popular course at Yale University is Psych 157: Psychology and the Good Life. Taught by Professor Laurie Santos, the course covers the science of happiness and how to apply it. Since its launch in 2018, it’s been taken by a quarter of Yale students and more than 200,000 others in its online version. It clearly shows that, in the busy and noisy modern life, we all have a strong desire for happiness.

Why don’t more of us find it. For the complete answer to that, you’ll have to take the course and it’s free. But in recent New York Times interview, Santos suggested one way among of us often go wrong when seeking happiness.

Many of us are trying to be a little gentler with ourselves and prioritizing self-care. That’s a sensible strategy, Santos agrees. The trouble is how people understand “self-care.”

“We assume that self-care looks like a nice bubble bath--- or even selfish pursuits.”

Santos says. "But the data suggests that the right way to treat ourselves would be to do nice things for other people. We actually get more out of being more open and more social and more other oriented than spending money on ourselves, It’s a bigger increase to your happiness.”

Santos isn’t the only scientist pointing out that, if you want to be happier, you should focus more on kindness to others than kindness to yourself, though sell-acceptance is certainly nice too. Research out of Oxford University confirms that even tiny acts of kindness can have profound effects on out happiness, and other studies show small acts of kindness can ripple out, boosting mental well-being in the wider community.

Kindness isn’t just good for your mental health. It’s been shown to have a big impact on our physical health too. You’ll recover more quickly after a heart attack, for instance, if your boss is supportive and friendly.

All of these effects are rooted in a simple truth: Humans are social creatures and we just function better when we feel connected to a community.

The spotlight（聚光灯） effect refers to the tendency of individuals to overestimate the level of attention they believe they get. They think that they are noticed by everyone, everywhere, and at every point of time. This is surprisingly common, but not at all a fact.

Suppose it’s your friend’s birthday, and you have planned to give her a surprise. You are just about to burst into her house at midnight with a delicious cake and an exciting gift. But as your friend opens the door, she just asks you to get inside the house! How would you feel? Exactly that! You have been struck with the spotlight effect! That simply means that you think you did a great job, and people should value your genius ideas on “how to surprise your dear friend on her birthday”. Not really, as your friend was already expecting you to be there! So, your efforts didn’t get as much attention as you had probably expected.

It is often the case. For example, something like a social gaffe（失态）at a ceremony, a stupid error while making a speech, or having a stain on the clothes when facing a bunch of people. These events become unforgettable memories for us, but are often unnoticed by many. Of course, we still feel they are the biggest mistakes of our lives!

On the contrary, sometimes, it happens that actions like a well-prepared presentation, a brilliant argument in a discussion, or the best throw in a football match are extraordinary efforts for us, which just remain totally overlooked. And you think, “Did anyone just see what I did?” or “Was I the only one present there?” No point losing heart, because that was probably just your perception（认识）—— the spotlight effect.

Building Trust in a Relationship Again

Trust is a learned behavior that we gain from past experiences.【小题1】Trust is a risk. But you can’t be successful when there’s a lack of trust in a relationship that results from an action where the wrongdoer takes no responsibility to fix the mistake.

Unfortunately, we’ve all been victims of betrayal. Whether we’ve been stolen from, lied to, misled, or cheated on, there are different levels of losing trust. Sometimes people simply can’t trust anymore.【小题2】It’s understandable, but if you’re willing to build trust in a relationship again, what can you do?【小题3】

●Learn to really trust yourself. Having confidence in yourself will help you make better choices because you can see what the best outcome would be for your well-being.

●【小题4】If you’ve been betrayed, you are the victim of your circumstance. But there’s a difference between being a victim and living with a "victim mentality". At some point in all of our lives, we’ll have our trust tested or violated.

● You didn’t lose "everything". Once trust is lost, what is left? Instead of looking at the situation from this hopeless angle, look at everything you still have and be thankful for all of the good in your life.【小题5】 Instead, it’s a healthy way to work through the experience to allow room for positive growth and forgiveness.