A patient and I are working on an eating disorder, trying to find out the cause. It turned out to be a relationship break-up in high school. The unpleasant experience led to not eating for a couple of weeks. Then comes a compliment (赞美) from a friend that totally has the opposite effect. “Wow, you look great!” Suddenly, this praise inspires an inner thought: “Oh, people care more about me if I lose weight. So I can control people’s affection by not eating.”
Consider busy parents who don’t notice their child until a good grade appears. In the absence of attention and connection, a sudden strong expression of well-intended praise can bring about the thought, “Wow, my grades make me valuable. I’m noticed when I achieve!” The result can be a twisted view of self-value and an anxiety around grades, exams, and performance. A similar situation occurs with athletic success or high praise for being “nice”. The result is a false mindset: “My worth is totally tied to this desirable behavior.”
So what’s a better way? One answer is to exit the game of “right and wrong” and enter a focus on what needs are present. Returning to our example above, when you see someone has lost weight and you want to give them a compliment, just pause and simply ask, “How are you doing?” See them and hear them. Appreciate them as a person of great value. There may be much more to their inner world than meets the eye.
Similarly, when you see someone’s success, appreciate the hard work they put into it. Ask with gentle curiosity, “How’s it been for you?” Listening with full attention can be a rare gift in today’s world. See if you can understand them from the bigger frame of what they’ve experienced, how they’re feeling, and what they’re needing now.
【小题1】What can we learn from paragraph 2?| A．It’s parents duty to care for their children. |
| B．A strong expression of praise should be prevented. |
| C．Well-intended praise can result in unwanted results. |
| D．Praise from parents encourages kids to work harder. |
| A．It is not favored. | B．It makes people proud. |
| C．It underestimates human value. | D．It fails to cheer people up. |
| A．It’s so kind of you to help me with my work! |
| B．I appreciate your great efforts to get there! |
| C．You always perform best among us! |
| D．You look young for your age! |
| A．Doubtful. | B．Unclear. | C．Indifferent. | D．Approving. |
