Many years ago, my mother gave my father a red V-neck sweater for his birthday. He looked so handsome in it that I, almost sixteen years old, thought he must be the most wonderful person on the earth and I was proud that he was my father.

I was the eldest child and used to ask to borrow my father’s red sweater. It looked good with my black-and-gray skirt. Mom wore it sometimes, too, especially when she was standing over the floor furnace eating ice-cream in the middle of the winter. As my sisters and brothers grew up, the sweater became one of their favourite things to borrow as well. Eventually, Daddy’s red sweater settled in the hands of my youngest brother, Andy. He took it to college and kept it until he was twenty. As all five of us kids went about business, the red sweater became a memory of our youth and a source of laughter at family gatherings.

When Daddy died, my mother asked if there was anything of his I wanted. I said yes because I could not bear to think of losing that family treasure. I knew that I could not be selfish and keep the sweater all by myself. That year as a gift for my sister, Joey, I put the sweater in a box with a lug on it saying, “ To Joey — From Daddy. ” Inside the box was a card with a message asking her to keep it for a year, and then pass it on the next year to the next in birth order, Ray. Ray passed it on to Jean, and Jean passed it on to Andy.

My father has been gone for ten years now, but his love and memory join us each year. His red sweater has become a living symbol of a hard-working father who taught us the joy of sharing and family.

Family fights are never pleasant. Whether you are dealing with a loud sister or a stubborn mom or dad, the situation can be bad. At least that’s what we have learned to expect.

What if it could be different? What if family fights and conflicts could be turned into opportunities to become closer? What if problems could be solved with everyone walking away feeling more deeply cared for and loved?

Family fighting is, on one level, about power. Someone is telling someone else what to do. In a short moment, emotions can be brought out and the fight is on. You can go down that old road or you can try something different.

In any fight, you have a need to be listened to and understood. People raise their voices and shout at each other because they’re not being listened to. It’s totally unconscious. You want your mom or dad to listen and understand. But you always seems to forget the person you’re fighting with has the same need to be listened to. So if you can put aside your need for a few minutes, the situation will change quickly. Give the other person some time to express his or her feelings, and you will earn your turn to be listened to.

And while you are listening, you have to listen for the right information. The best way to do this in emotional situations is to forget most of the words because many people can’t express what they are feeling with words alone, especially when they are upset.

But if the situation starts to get out of hand, it would be wise to just calm down and leave the problem until later because many fights happen at the wrong time. The situation will die down quickly, usually in less than 30 seconds. You can either move on to problem solving or reach an agreement to work on it at a better time.

This way, everyone will feel respected and listened to, even when there is conflict. Emotions will be understood and respected, and it will bring your family closer together.