Christmas Eve, my husband and our three children gathered in the living room. The presents were wrapped under the tree. Everything was perfect except one thing was missing the star on the top of the Christmas tree.
Lilly and Brandon were born first, and decorating the tree soon became the focus of our Christmas traditions. We would lift one of the kids up high to put the star on top. “The star that shone with promise,” I told the kids. The two kids took turns to do this important job.
Then Finn was born. He was a happy baby, until Matt and I noticed something odd when he was 14 months old. He didn’t interact with us anymore. Then, his autism (自闭症) diagnosis came out. How to be the family Finn needed us to be? In so many situations, I didn’t have an answer.
Finn turned three years old, and I hoped he was ready to take part in adding the final touch to our tree. It would be his first time, a chance to connect with us through this tradition. Matt took the older kids’ hands and stepped back to give us some room. I took the star from its box. “Here, Finn,” I said, putting the star in his little hand. “It’s your turn to put this on the top of the tree!” I went to pick him up. Finn didn’t seem to understand. He threw the star on the floor and twisted in my arms.
“Finn,” I said, “It’s okay, honey.” Still, he fought me. Finally, I put him down. I wanted to try again, but he ran away. “Finn!” I called after him, but he ignored me.
“Give him time,” Matt said. It didn’t feel right to let Lilly or Brandon place the star instead. It was Finn’s turn, and I didn’t want to leave him out. So, the tree remained starless that Christmas. The next Christmas too. And the one after that. waiting for Finn. This Christmas, however, I simply gave up trying and left the star in the box somewhere in the basement.
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Matt brought some presents to the living room for the kids besides the starless tree.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________“You want to put the star on the top?” I asked, looking where his finger was pointing.
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