It's eight o'clock on a cold spring night. Our apartment has been hit by the artwork of a young, energetic child.It was in total mess! I’m so tired tonight. I’ve been on crutches(拐杖)for seven weeks,recovering from hip surgery,and I'm trying fruitlessly to clean up.The phone rings-for the sixth time in less than an hour. We know who it is. My mom is troubled by paranoia(妄想症)-she thinks she has been kicked out of the nursing home (not true),she thinks her daughters have not visited in months (it has been a few days).
Each time she calls, I play a game with myself called“How Good a Person Can I Be?"I've won five rounds of the game tonight; I am due for a fall. She has no idea that she has repeated the things she is about to say a million times today and a million times yesterday. She has no idea that I had surgery, nor can she recall her own granddaughter's name. She is unaware of most of the past, and she drifts in the present.She is lonely.
I threw my anger at my mother. “MOM!” I yelled. “YOU ARE NOT BEING REMOVED FROM YOUR HOME!AND WE VISITED TWO DAYS AGO!”“Mom,you have to believe me,and if you don't,I cannot talk anymore!Everything is fine!”Silence. Then:“I was only calling to say hi.” My mother continued,having already forgotten that I yelled. “But I'm also worried about something; do you have a minute?”“No,Mom,I don't.”“Why are you yelling?” I'm yelling because you cannot help me care for my child, or even remember to ask me about my day. I'm yelling because you remind me of everything I fear:aging, sickness,fragility, bad luck,loss...I flop on the couch,aware of all my daughter is witnessing. She hears me blame my mother,lose my patience. I have not only failed at being a Good Person; I have failed at being a Good Example to My Daughter. I sat on the couch, defeated.
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“Can I talk to Grandma Ellie?" My five-year-old reaches for the phone.
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I am soft inside, watching my kindergartner handle her fragile grandmother with such skillfulness.
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