It's tough to see or hear of a friend in crisis. One idea to keep in mind is that it is healthy for the distressed person to feel what he or she feels in the moment. When a person in crisis feels understood, he or she feels less alone and connected to the person who understands.

A person who experiences empathy(同理心)from a friend who can “go there”for a few minutes in order to authentically understand while still maintaining a strong and supportive attitude may be relieving and healing. While a friend is telling you about the circumstance, the first and most important step is to listen for feelings, not ways to solve the problem.

For example, a friend is terribly upset because her husband is threatening to leave her. After fully honoring the feelings, it is important to ask the friend what would help. Maybe it is a good cry and some ice cream. Perhaps it's a glass of wine and a walk. Everyone has different ways of dealing. Be respectful and ask the friend what she needs or wants, not what you prescribe.

Take a second example, say a close friend is being misrepresented by other friends. The friends are gossiping about her. During a conversation with her, listen for feelings. Honor her hurt and shock. The same equation is useful with a partner.

Helping a friend or partner in crisis not only helps the person, but creates closeness and trust in the relationship, making opening up in the probable future. In addition, the person who is empathizing feels positive because he or she was able to help. When a person is truly able to comfort and reassure a loved one, he or she feels vital and useful, strengthening the relationship.

It all happened one afternoon in Carl's backyard a few years ago. We had just finished playing stickball, and I was about to go home.

“Wait a minute,” Carl yelled. He ran into his house and came back with a book for me to take home and read. All he said was, “See if you like it.”

I said absolutely nothing. I kept the book for a couple of weeks and then returned it unread. Carl never asked me if I liked it or not. During the following two years Carl lent me three more books. Each time I returned them unread.

A few days after graduating from high school, Carl asked, “Benny, which college are you going to?”

“I'm not going to college.” I said.

“Why not?” he asked.

“Because my father can't afford the tuition (学费).” I answered.

“Is that it?” Carl asked. “Yes,” I said.

I lied. I had no intention of going back to school now that I was out. The following day, Carl knocked on my door and handed me a check for seventy-five dollars from his father along with the book Martin Eden. “I think that should do it.” he said.

Once again I was in shock. I was working full-time in my brother's bakery. I attended two classes at Wayne University part-time at night. Halfway through the semester, after receiving failing grades on exams and essays, I decided there was no way I would ever become a good student and get satisfactory grades. I dropped out of college.

One day, curious, I picked up the book, thinking Carl was trying to tell me something. Despite difficulty, I pressed on. By the time I finished the book, I understood why: the main character, Martin Eden, had my own poor educational background, but managed to educate himself and become a published author.

When we were very small, we realized that having friends was important. Some of us even had imaginary (想象中的) friends. The need for friends continued as we grew into our teens. Friends played a big part in forming our personalities (性格). As adults, it is still important for us to have friends.

True friends are people who like us though we make mistakes and who listen to us and tell us the truth. Friends support our decisions and tell us when we’re foolish. They laugh with us and share our sadness. They are our partners and share interests with us. They stimulate us when we are feeling down. They are people we aren’t afraid of telling our secret wishes to or what is really on our minds.

Friends are our supporters. When you can depend on friends, you feel safe and warm. Friends offer acceptance and emotional (情感的) support. At times, they also help with our everyday lives, cooking a meal, doing chores, or giving us a lift when we need one. Friends also are there to offer advice, an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on.

Friends also help us reduce stress. Not only do they listen to us when we feel stressed, but they also discuss what is stressing us. Sharing interests and doing activities with friends help us forget about problems at work or at home. For a short time, we can lose ourselves in a pleasant activity and perhaps laugh and breathe more easily.