Social scientists have long understood that when people are smart and skilled, they’re likely to gain trust. To appear more capable — and therefore more trustworthy — many people tend to boast (吹嘘), according to another longstanding theory that researchers call impression management. But a new paper suggests that the common method people use to gain trust could have the opposite effect.

“If you consider yourself a highly capable individual, have a good education, are successful in life, then don’t talk too proudly about it when presenting yourself to others or managing impressions about what you can do,” said Martin Reimann, the paper’s lead author. “It can backfire, and people might become distrusting.”

“Since impression management is so widespread, we wondered how it impacts the well-known effect of ability on trust,” Reimann said.

To answer the question, the researchers designed seven online experiments concerning participants’ trust. In one experiment, for example, participants shopped for a TV in an online marketplace, similar to Amazon, with third-party vendors (销售商). Customer reviews with star ratings told participants how capable or competent vendors were, and each vendor’s ad either did or did not include a boastful statement of self-promotion.

Designing seven studies, Reimann said, allowed the researchers to reach more people and explore a range of variables that might affect someone’s willingness to trust. There were more than 106,000 participants across all seven studies.

The experiments showed that participants were more likely, unsurprisingly, to trust people or companies that appeared more capable. But every study also showed that highly capable people or companies were viewed as less trustworthy if they also boastfully promoted themselves.

“We see trust as a central concept that holds together society,” Reimann added. “If we don’t trust each other, then a lot of processes could come to a standstill. It’s important to understand what it is in the first place that leads people to trust each other, and how we can encourage that at different levels of society. That’s what we want to further uncover.”

For most of us, it's pretty easy to stand up for someone else. 【小题1】. So how do you go from being everyone else' s advocate to learning how to stand up for yourself? These steps come from 16 years of coaching my clients.

·Define your boundaries

The definition of a boundary is a line that marks the limits of an area; it's both a line of containment (keeping you in) and a line of protection (keeping others out). Boundaries are not complaints, threats or demands. 【小题2】. They are your rules for who,what,how and why you feel comfortable being close to someone else, helping others know who you are and how to interact with you.

【小题3】

The next time someone asks you for a favor, consider if you can afford to say yes. What I mean by this is, think about what this “yes” will cost you in terms of finances, energy, health and time. Do you have an excess of these resources that you can give after you've already cared for yourself?

·Stop people-pleasing

People-pleasing is often motivated by fear. It's easy to fall into the habit because you tend to get praised for it. People-pleasing pleases people. But its effects over a long period of time can be disastrous. 【小题4】

·Ask for what you want

It's not easy to figure out what you want. But the more time you spend getting clear on your own

About six years ago, I was sitting on a plane next to a woman who was extremely energetic. I was tired and wanted to take a nap, but she tapped me on the shoulder to introduce herself.

"Hi, my name is Helga."

As we talked, it came up that I had started an organization in high school called R.A.K.E. (Random Acts of Kindness, Etc.). As I described what we did, Helga got very serious and said to me, "There is nothing more important in the world than kindness."

I was curious about what she had said, and as the plane took off. she began telling me a story about the last time she had flown.

It was three years ago and she was heading back to her hometown because her father had become very ill.

Just as the plane was about to leave, her father's doctor called to inform her that her father had suddenly passed away. For the three hour plane ride, she sat in stunned(受惊的) silence,.

When she arrived at the airport in her hometown, she walked to the nearest bench(长椅),sat down and cried.

For two hours, she sat and wept while thousands of people just walked on by.

"Not a single person stopped and asked if I was OK that day. It was on that day that I realized kindness isn't normal. "

Helga's words have stuck with me for all these years. I'm reminded all the time that for many of us, kindness is not usually our "default setting (默认设置)".

We spend so much time worrying about our own problems that we walk by or ignore other people in need of a bit of kindness.

So, I've made it my mission to do my part in making kindness "normal".

Now, I travel to schools all across the US to speak about compassion(同情),empathy(同感),and love.

I' m proud to share my stories with students, teachers, and parents about our need for character, compassion, and kindness.

Providing young people with practical ways to exercise kindness makes my job more satisfying than any other I can think of.

And when I give my talks, I always have my conversation with Helga in the back of my mind.