We often hear such statements: “I spilled (洒出) juice, but it wasn’t my fault.”, “I got in trouble at school, but it wasn’t my fault.” or “I was in a car accident, but it wasn’t my fault.” That “It’s not my fault.” is a go-to response for so many people and especially teenagers.

Parents complain they are tired of the “excuse”. The reason why variations of “It’s not my fault.” are so popular is that it lets us off the hook from guilt and blame. I’m a fan of not owning responsibility for things that I can’t control. Teens who often say “It’s my fault.” when something bad happens tend to be highly self-critical, perfectionistic and more easier to be troubled by anxiety and depression.

While it is important to recognize lack of reason to blame oneself, many teens over-rely on “It’s not my fault.” When trying to get them to take responsibility, parents usually attempt to convince their teens that something is their fault. The approach tends to be ineffective and turn into a power struggle. No one wins. A more effective approach can be to stress significant drawbacks to consistently focusing on removing our responsibility with this phrase.

Overuse of the phrase can result in feelings of lack of ability to control their own lives. This sense has been shown to cause low motivation. Besides creating feelings of lack of ability, overuse of “It’s not my fault.” focuses a teen’s attention on what is done as opposed to what needs to be done.

People may not have caused all their problems but they have to solve them anyway. The example I frequently share with teens is the question of what one will do if he is pushed into a deep lake. One can certainly stay in water, yelling, “It’s not my fault.” However, that won’t get him out of water. He needs to swim to the shore, regardless of the fault.

If you take a proper approach to communicating with your teens, you can help them avoid over-reliance on “It’s not my fault.”

Letting kids learn more about science at an early age is easier than you think. It is happening all around us, and you can use daily things to arouse (激发) your children’s interest. Most parents believe it is difficult to help their children with science. But you don’t need a high scientific degree to teach your children science. All you need is that you’re willing to try, to see the world, and to take the time to encourage their natural curiosity. When they strongly want to know about something, they get the ticket to the unknown world.

You can help by having an active attitude (态度) towards science yourself. Then start simply by asking your children questions about the things you see every day. Next listen to their answers without judging (评判) them, which will improve their confidence (自信), and help you decide just what your children know or do not know.

Different kids have different interest, so they need different kinds of science projects. Collecting rocks may interest your young daughter, but your older son may need something more to deal with it. Knowing your children is the best way to find enjoyable learning activities. Here are some more pieces of advice: Choose activities that are the right level of difficulty. If you are not sure, pick something easier. Read the suggested ages on any projects, books, and then make sure that the activity is proper for your children. Let your children choose the project or activity themselves. It’s easy enough to ask rather than force them. Suggest choosing 2 or 3 things your children can do. When a child picks something he or she is interested in, he or she will enjoy it and learn more from it.

Make Up Your Mind to Succeed

Kind-hearted parents have unknowingly left their children defenseless against failure. The generation born between 1980 and 2001 grew up playing sports where scores and performance were not very valued because "everyone's a winner". And their report cards sounded more positive than ever before. As a result, Stanford University professor Carol Dweck, PhD, calls them "the overpraised generation".

Dweck has been studying how people deal with failure for 40 years. Her research has led her to find out two clearly different mindsets that have a great effect on how we react to it. Here's how they work.

A fixed mindset is supported by the belief that the gift is genetic — you're a born artist or mathematician. The fixed mindset believes it's sure to succeed without much effort and regards failure as personal shame(羞耻). When things get difficult, it's quick to blame others, lie, and even stay away from future difficulties.

On the other hand, a growth mindset believes that no talent is entirely born and that effort and learning make everything possible. Because the ego (自我价值感) isn't the most important thing, the growth mindset sees failure as a chance rather than shame. When faced with a difficulty, they are quick to rethink, change and try again. In fact, they enjoy this experience.

We are all born with growth mindsets. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to live in the world. But parents, teachers, and instructors often push us into the fixed mindset by encouraging certain actions and misdirected praise. Dweck's book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, and online instructional program explain this in depth. But she says there are many little things you can start doing today to make sure that your children, grandchildren and even you are never defeated by failure.